my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Found your dick twin last night
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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