Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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