I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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