the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
