his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
