i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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