Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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