my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
