She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I cannot find my penis.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
