I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Randomize
