I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
