well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
