Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So squirting runs in the family.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
