Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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