Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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