cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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