There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
