I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize