wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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