and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
