i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
