There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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