I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
