The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
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She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
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Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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