omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
