Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
