if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
