i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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