god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
