I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
