she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
