He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
