hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
