All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
