I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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