I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
