Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
