If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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