ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
