Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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