I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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