Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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