we have officially lost it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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