If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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