There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
