just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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