And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
