You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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