Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
