Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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