you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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