When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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