i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
